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Okay, let’s talk about being asked to ignore our dogs. A common piece of advice that’s given to pet parents is to ignore your dog when barking/whining/when you leave and come home and for many other situations. If you give them attention at that moment, you are reinforcing that behaviour and then you have a “problem”/alpha/out of control/dominating dog at your hands.
But there are a few issues with this:
Ignoring someone in a relationship (which is what your dog and you are in) is toxic and abusive. It means completely disregarding and not acknowledging the other being’s existence. In other words, it’s the well-known silent treatment. It is a way to punish and manipulate the other person. Research shows that when people are ignored or given silent treatment, the same areas of the brain associated with physical pain are activated.
Not just that - extensive studies done on romantic relationships by Gottman Institute show that when silent treatment was a go-to way of addressing conflict in relationships, couples experienced poorer communication, lesser intimacy, and lesser relationship satisfaction.
If you have been at the receiving end of silent treatment in your relationships, you know it sucks to be there.
Take this video of Luchi whining for instance:
At a time when I didn’t understand what this meant, I sought advice on how to deal with this. What I was told was:
“If you respond to this behaviour, she’ll learn that she can get away with whining and you have to teach her that she can’t get things by whining.”
Here are my thoughts on this piece of advice:
Dogs express their needs through vocalisation – in some cases, that’s barking and in some, it’s whining. Whining could be a way to seek connection, communicate pain, hunger, the need to relieve oneself, and help or support with navigating through a challenging situation. It’s not just whining – it’s communication and information. It’s for the pet parent to make meaning of this whining, contextually. If dogs could speak using human language, we would not only understand what they need but that would be harder to ignore.
Let's deep dive into the experience of being ignored. How frustrating, heart-breaking, and isolating it might feel to be asking for something from someone you trust and depend on to fulfill all your needs and to have that person ignore you? Completely disregard not just your needs but your presence. I have made that mistake when I didn’t know better and thinking about it fills me with so much guilt for making Luchi feel unheard and unseen.
In our relationship with dogs, ignoring can seem comforting to us humans - it's the belief that if we ignore, a certain behaviour stops or goes away, and so we are more at peace. But it doesn’t consider what caused that behaviour in the first place.
We know that needs drive behaviours – but when we use the silent treatment approach with our dogs, we fail to think about their needs, and in doing so, fail at fulfilling them.
My fundamental problem with the advice on ignoring your dog is that it encourages an absence of communication. What we need to focus on doing, instead, is set boundaries. They create emotional health and well-being in relationships. Importantly, they help communicate expectations. In setting boundaries, you are not leaving the other person confused or frustrated at not being heard – instead, you have established communication that is meaningful and helpful. And no, it doesn't mean that you are a pushover or are letting your dog "take you for a ride". Boundaries are healthy and critical to any relationship.
Can you do this with dogs?
Of course! By using body language (and being patient), you can set boundaries effectively and in a way that’s understood by our dogs. Take another video with Luchi for instance:
Here I’m using the universal hand signal (On Talking Terms with Dogs: Calming Signals by Turid Rugaas) to communicate to Luchi to wait. I’m acknowledging that she needs something from me, but I don’t want to get up just yet. I use the hand signal to ask her to wait. I can see calming signals (yawning, lip licking, moving her feet) – this is telling me that she cannot wait. This is important information to me – there are times when she can wait, there are times when she can’t and that’s fine. Communication is a two-way street – for it to be effective, both parties must acknowledge and listen. And right now she doesn't want to listen. She isn't being "disrespectful "/'disobedient"/"stubborn" - she is communicating the urgency of her need.
There are times when I’m eating a meal and Luchi wants me to share. But there isn’t anything I can share from my plate. I use the same hand signal to set boundaries. She’ll consider and lie down. Once I’m finished eating, I invite her to the kitchen and she gets a more appropriate snack. I have acknowledged her need, communicated boundaries, and then met that need. What I haven’t done is ignore her and what she's asking from me.
I gave in here - I was outnumbered! But most importantly, giving in didn't turn them into monsters that are ready to dominate me and become "alphas".
It's the same case when we are leaving and entering the house. We don't need to ignore it - we can simply set better boundaries. Sindhoor Pangal, Director of BHARCS, does a fabulous job of explaining in her blog why, again, this isn’t sound advice - Welcome your dogs with open arms.
As pet parents, It's helpful to think about the kind of relationship we want to build with our dogs. If it's based on kindness, love, and partnership, ignoring them won't get us there. Instead, choose to understand what they are communicating, learn how to communicate with them, and set boundaries, respectfully and meaningfully, in a way that still lets me meet their needs. It's a recipe for a secure and beautiful relationship with them.
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